I haven't blogged since July. I didn't think I cared until about 20 minutes ago, when I found myself sitting in my car, in the dark, answering work emails. So what, you say? I'd been there for half an hour and I was parked outside my home.
I love a good day's work. There is nothing quite like the feeling of productivity. I have no issues with late hours, bosses.. even chaos has its highs. But up until a few months ago, I was a different person. I was someone who valued work, but praised my morals about putting family and general wellbeing first. I put my loved ones first.
I feel like I've forgotten who I was. Actually no, that's a lie. I dont think I even knew who I was to begin with. And now I feel like a jerk for how wimpy that sounds, but it's true. Im strong and I soldier on, but inside, I often feel empty. When surrounded with friends and those close to me, I forget this emptiness. When I am alone again, I feel unfulfilled, down.. bored?
"Take some time to find yourself."
What does that even mean? And why does everyone insist on this being a solo journey? I am the first to admit that I can get carried away with all the noise and 'excitement', the trivial matters of our daily lives which consume our very being. But why does 'self-discovery' need to happen alone? Indulge me for a moment: the foundation of creationism? Adam & Eve. Noah's ark? Pairs. Time? Day & Night. Stars and Planets? The sun and the moon. Condiments? Salt & pepper. Music? Sonny and Cher, Ike and Tina, Bob and Janis. Love? Man & Wife (or whatever other combination, but you get the point).
I don't even know what point Im trying to make.
I know Im tired and feeling vulnerable and a little lost. Im sick and tired of being accommodating and understanding. I wish I could just be grateful and move on but Im angry about too many things and I dont want to let go.
I miss the old me. And that's all I have to say about that.